Planning & perspective
Are private vows right for your wedding?
A few words shared with each other, without a room full of people listening. What a private exchange can bring to your day, and how you might like it photographed.
There might be things you want to say on your wedding day that feel easier with just the two of you. Not because they are a secret, or because you don’t want to share the occasion with your guests. Simply because those particular words belong to your relationship.
Private vows can make room for that. We’ve photographed couples who have chosen to share them, and what matters is less the format than whether it feels right for you. You don’t need to be especially sentimental, good at writing or comfortable in front of a camera. You just need to want that conversation.
01
What would you want to say without an audience?
This is a useful place to start. Perhaps your ceremony promises feel complete as they are. Perhaps you would like to add a longer letter, something funny only your partner will understand, or words you would otherwise find difficult to say in front of everyone.
An exchange in private gives those words a different setting. There is no need to make the story understandable to a whole room, explain an inside joke or work towards a polished ending. If the idea appeals because it sounds like you, it is worth considering. If it feels like another thing you ought to do, you can happily leave it out.
02
Private does not have to mean unphotographed
There is a difference between sharing the words and keeping a photograph of the moment. You might want a small record of being together without anybody else hearing what you say. Or you may prefer to put the cameras down altogether. Both are reasonable choices.
Tell your photographer what privacy means to you. Would you feel comfortable with them nearby, or would more distance help you forget they are there? Would you rather have a photograph together afterwards? It is much easier to make a thoughtful choice before the day than to find yourselves negotiating it with letters in your hands.
03
Leave the reaction alone
When we talk about honest photographs, this is part of what we mean. A private exchange does not need to lead to tears, laughter or a particular kind of embrace to be worth remembering. Listening quietly can be just as telling.
For us, the value is in paying attention to what is actually happening, rather than asking for a reaction that makes the picture more obvious. You should not have to repeat a sentence or hold a feeling for the camera. The photographs can follow the exchange, rather than the exchange becoming something arranged for photographs.
04
Choose a moment that feels like part of your day
Some couples like the thought of seeing each other and sharing their words before the ceremony. Others would rather wait until they are married, when they can step away together for a little while. Neither choice has to become a new centrepiece for the day.
The question is when you would enjoy that pause. If you are already looking forward to a few minutes together during portraits, that may feel natural. If being alone matters most, keep it separate from photography. Your planner and photographer can help you find room without turning it into another appointment you feel you must rush towards. Our thoughts on a wedding timeline with room to be present begin with the same idea: time should serve the experience you want.
05
Keep the words yours, even when the photographs are shared
A photograph of the two of you reading letters need not come with the letters themselves. You can choose to share an image with friends while keeping every word between you. Equally, you may prefer those photographs to stay in your own collection.
Let your photographer know if there are pages, names or passages you do not want legible in photographs, and be clear about any sharing boundaries. The meaningful detail may be the way you hold each other’s hands, rather than the writing on the paper. Privacy is not something you need to trade for a beautiful record.
06
There is no single way to make it meaningful
You can read something you have written, speak without notes or exchange letters to open separately. You can keep it brief. You can decide that the words you share in your ceremony are exactly enough.
What we would avoid is choosing private vows because you have seen a moving photograph and feel you need your own version. Start with what you would enjoy saying to each other, then decide whether you want someone there to document it. That is usually a better foundation for photographs that feel like you.
A little room for the two of you
If you are planning a wedding with space for the things that matter to you, we would love to hear about it. Explore our approach to wedding photography, or get in touch and tell us what you have in mind.